Ten Simple Rules for Dating Savannah
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Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package,
because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch Savannah in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you
do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands
off of Savannah's body, I will remove them.
Rule Two A:
If you value the condition & current location
of any of your limbs, you will not provide Savannah with any of the following:
Cigarettes, alcohol, drugs or any other legal or illegal mind altering substance
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their
trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't
take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots.
Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his
compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants
ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your
clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with Savannah,
I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to
your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a
"barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to
sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we
should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not
do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you
expect to have Savannah safely back at my house, and the only word I need from
you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other
girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with Savannah. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for Savannah to appear, and more than
an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the
movie, you should not be dating. Savannah is putting on her makeup, a process
that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just
standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my
car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with Savannah: Places where
there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where
there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is
darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places
where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce Savannah to wear shorts,
tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a
goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or
sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay.
Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged,
dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to Savannah, I am the all-knowing,
merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom,
you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the
truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and ½ acre behind the house. Do not trifle
with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of
your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a sand dune in Iraq. When
my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to
clean the guns as I wait for you to bring Savannah home. As soon as you pull
into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak
the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought Savannah
home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to
come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.